I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
