My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
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