The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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