I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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