dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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