the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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