I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
