Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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