i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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