I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I need to align my fucking chakras
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
God, I missed his penis.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
