your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
