Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
