Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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