i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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