my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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