sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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