i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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