goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
