Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
