I think I am morally bankrupt
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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