I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
