Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Boobs speak an international language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
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