birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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