Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
