i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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