I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
