I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize