dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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