I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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