got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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