I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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