It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
