How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
