i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
