Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
