This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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