i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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