so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
