I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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