I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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