You're so nebulous sometimes
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
