I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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