She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
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