I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This is the high leading the old right now
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
