Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
