I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
