Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
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Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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