Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
