I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
