Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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