My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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