yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
