hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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