genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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