I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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