What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
