i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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