This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
then he tried to convert me to islam
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
