you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?