apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
