he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?