Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.