I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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