Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
where are you?
Hypothermia
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
