I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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