If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
