someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
